With health officials recommending social distancing and governments implementing Safer at Home Orders to help slow the spread of Coronavirus, many employers have instituted work from home policies. For those used to working in a team or office environment, the lack of regular social interaction, stimulus, and external motivating factors might make working from home a challenge. In addition, usual daily self-care habits may be disrupted with gym and restaurant closures.
 
For a balanced life, it’s important to maintain some separation between work and relaxation. Without the separation of space, this can be difficult to do. Psychologically, we take cues from our environment as to when it’s time to be alert and productive, physically active, eating, or relaxing. Here are some tips to keep you productive, connected, and balanced if you find yourself working from home for the first time.
 
1. Keep your regular schedule as much as possible. During chaotic times, this can help us remain calm and centered. If you normally wake up at 6:00 AM, continue to do so. If you clock in at 8:00 AM and leave work at 6:00 PM, continue to do so. If you take lunch at noon, continue to do so. You may be tempted to sleep in and start work later, but then you’ll have to work later and cut into personal time (or feel guilty if you didn’t put in a full workday.) Or, you may be tempted work more than you usually would because you don’t have your normal routine of leaving the office to go home. Set reminders on your phone to keep your usual time boundaries in place.
 
2. Shower and get dressed. As tempting as it is to lounge around grungy and work in your PJ’s, it’s not super conducive to productivity. Ok, maybe you relax the hair and makeup routine if you’re not meeting people face-to-face, but maintaining your usual personal grooming standards can help you feel awake and ready to work. (And less likely to nap during the day.) The same goes with clothes. Perhaps you wear comfy pants and ditch the tie, but sticking to business casual may help with your sense of “I’m at work.” And when you’re done working, put on your comfy clothes to signify “I’m at home, work is over.” Play with this and see what works for you.
 
3. Exercise! When you don’t have to leave the house, it’s natural be more sedentary. With gyms and yoga studios closed, your normal workout routine has been disruptive. BUT you’ve some extra time since you don’t have to commute – why not use it to exercise? There are many great workout options that don’t require a gym. Walk or run outside keeping the recommended 6 feet of social distance to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Do some High Intensity Interval Training using a Seven Minute workout app and your favorite playlist. Stay flexible and centered with some online Yoga videos. Here’s one of my favorites: https://www.doyogawithme.com/content/30-day-challenge
 
4. Create a workstation separate from where you relax. For most people, the couch is the place where at the end of the workday we kick off our shoes and take a break. If you work from your couch, you’re now overwriting couch as a safe place to relax – or the relaxation of the couch may be interfering with your ability to work. In addition, most couches don’t offer adequate back support if you are working on a computer all day, and can lead to back pain. Instead, set up your computer at a table or desk, preferably with an adjustable office chair or straight back chair where you can sit with good posture. If you set up at the dining table, be sure to clear work supplies off before eating.
 
5. Stay productive by working in spurts and taking breaks. People can focus well on a task for about 50 minutes. (Explains why therapy sessions are about 50 minutes long, right?) So, pick a task and commit to stay focused on it for 50 minutes without distraction from internet, laundry, pets, etc. Then, take a 10-minute break. Get up, stretch, walk around, drink some water, use the restroom, call a friend, check social media or complete a home errand. But after 10 minutes, return to work. No excuses! Set a timer if you need. If this doesn’t work, some productive people I know swear by the Pomodoro method of breaking work into 20-minute chunks. This method can also help those with attention difficulties.
 
6. Eat! It can be easy to get wrapped up in work and look up at 4:00 PM to realize you haven’t eaten all day. It’s important to take time to nourish your body. Take an actual break to eat without working! We need time to relax so we can properly digest, which can be impeded by the increased eustress we need to do work.
 
7. Limit reading the news. It’s important to stay updated but checking the news can become an anxious compulsion that hurts more than it helps. Make a commitment to only check the news 1-2 times per day for a limited amount of time like 15-30 minutes. Try on to check the news on all of your work breaks – you need time to relax as well. Sign up for local governmental emergency alerts to get the most important need to know updates and weed out the excess media coverage.
 
8. Stay connected. Social distancing can quickly lead to social isolation, particularly if someone tends toward depression or anxiety. Be proactive and make sure you’re connecting. Open a chat or video meeting with coworkers and leave it on during the day. Take time to connect with friends and family. Video calls in particular are a great way to feel connected with you can’t be together in person. Check-in with neighbors to see if they are ok or need help. Have an on-online dinner or dance party with friends.
 
9. Relax, enjoy, and get creative. Take time to unwind at the end of the workday to do something that gives you joy and helps you relax. After several days at home, you may feel a bit stir crazy. In times when our routine life is disrupted, we have an opportunity to break old patterns, reevaluate what is really important, and create something new. When our customary ways for working and relating to people are not possible, we are invited to use our ingenuity to create innovative solutions within the new parameters. Take this interruption of normal life and do those creative projects you’ve put on the back burner, pause and evaluate your life, deal with painful emotions that may have time to surface with a slower pace of life, and lay the groundwork for change.
 
Remember: this is a moment it time. It will pass. In addition to the difficult or negative impacts, try to open your mind to the positive potentials as well – and do something within your power to make it happen. We are in this together and we will get through this together.
 
If you are experiencing mental health difficulties due to the disruption of daily life, anxieties about COVID-19, conflict with family members and partners, or painful emotions and memories that are coming up, please reach out to a mental health professional and get the support you need.

There’s been a lot in the media about “rape culture” lately (#yesallwomen, #metoo), and the topic of desire and consent has been on my mind. As a sex positive psychologist who has worked in university counseling, I too frequently heard stories of acquaintance rape, sexual assault, and sexual coercion. I have also worked with men who have perpetrated sexual boundary crossings and sexual violence, including men who did not know that what they did is considered sexual assault because the person they had sex with (usually women) did not say no.

It is to these men*, that I write this article.

Let me start with a story. Several years ago, I witnessed an interaction between a mother and a son and my response was, “oh my god, this is a rapist in training.” Picture this: It’s a hot summer day. Mom is lounging in her swimsuit reading a book. Boy, around age 5, is running around in his swim trunks. Boy asks mom for something (I don’t even remember what.) She says no, not looking up from her book. Boy persists in asking. She says no, still not looking up. Boy’s requests become more persistent and loud. She becomes annoyed and ignores him. He runs up to her, engages her physically (touching, hitting) to get her attention, and demands to get what he wants. She finally looks at him, rolls her eyes, yells back “fine!” and gives him what he wants.

The lesson this boy learned: If you persist, intensify the request, and physically engage if necessary, a no becomes a yes.

It makes sense: to get what you want, you have to ask for it. “Don’t take no for an answer” is a quality our society values and reinforces in men. But when when does “no” really mean “NO?” In the mother son/ interaction, what some might call “bratty behavior,” I call reinforcing boundary violating behavior and getting your desires met regardless of what the other person wants or says. Too often, when men are unaware of their gender privilege, boundary violations occur.

Case in point: I am friends with a heterosexual couple who have been together for several years. He is extroverted and charismatic. She is more introverted and withholding of her emotions. They are both social people who get along well with others. He is constantly making requests of her and his friends to get his needs met. “Can I borrow that?” “Will you get me a glass of water while you’re up.” Harmless, right? Except when he starts asking for things that are an inconvenience for others and benefit him at their expense. I noticed him asking his partner to do something for him that clearly made her uncomfortable, though she acquiesced. I asked him if he noticed her response - he did - and why he asked if he knew it might make her uncomfortable. His response: “I ask for what I want, and if people don’t want to do it, they can just say no.”

If only it were that easy. This might work for “equals” -- men relating to men -- but even then the hierarchy of males defines who’s on top. When making a request of someone with less social privilege than you, I would recommend taking their needs and ability to say no into account before making the request and ask only when there’s a low risk of them being taken advantage of. Why? When a woman says no to a man, she gets labeled as frigid, uptight, selfish, bitchy, etc., etc. Women are socially conditioned to please others; to take care of others’ needs at the sacrifice of their own. This is a virtue. It is what maintains relationships. Women can’t say no. And this power dynamic contributes to unintentional sexual violations.

Many men view sexual consent this way: “if she doesn’t want it, she will say no.” But how many times has she already said no and you just didn’t hear it? Or you didn’t like the answer, so asked again? Like the little boy above, men are trained to persist -- to not take no for an answer -- until many women find it so emotionally distressing they say yes just to make the pressure stop.

What works in business is often a disaster for relationships.

Add to this the social norm that women are not encouraged to own or express sexual desire -- leaving men to guess at what women want, and women to seek out “dominant” men and “bad boys” who will initiate so she can “surrender” without being a slut. (It is not uncommon for women with intense shame around their sexual desire to fantasize about “being taken” as a way to sidestep that shame and put the responsibility for their sexual activity on men. Romance novel writers have successfully banked on this phenomenon as an entire genre.) As more women become expressive of their sexual desire, many men feel “emasculated,” “pressured,” or just plain freaked out by women’s requests. No wonder men are confused -- “am I supposed to be a man and ‘take her’ or be a nice guy and wait for a green light from her but never get any?” What’s the third option where everyone wins?

Another layer is that women are trained to please men, and sex is the ultimate way to please, and keep, your man. Within a monogamous framework, men can play the “if you don’t have sex with me, someone else will” card -- indirectly if not in words. Even if a woman can financially sustain herself if her partner leaves, it feels pretty awful to have the “put out or get out” dynamic in a relationship. (Sex is power for women, which is why some women dating men who respect their sexual boundaries use withholding sex as a way to gain power in the relationship. But that’s another topic.)

In addition, there is a significant size / strength discrepancy between men and women. Even if a man and a woman are the same height, more often than not he is still stronger. Women are keenly aware of sexual and physical violence perpetrated by men, and are taught about it from an early age. In the back of our monkey brains, women know that if a man really wants to he can overpower her physically. And sometimes it’s better to say yes than face that possibility.

Which brings me to a HUGE reason why many women don’t say no when they don’t want sex: prior trauma has created a “freeze response” in threatening situations. It’s basic biology: when people perceive a threat, our fight or flight system kicks in, and we use all our resources to fight back or get away to safety. When these two options not are feasible, it’s system shutdown and we play dead. Freeze becomes the initial response when people have endured persistent trauma that is inescapable -- like parents constantly arguing, childhood physical or sexual abuse, even being teased by peers. “Trauma” runs the gamut from your life being imminently in danger to your authentic self being ridiculed (i.e a boy who is good at drawing being told he isn’t supposed to draw because “that’s gay” or “that’s for girls”.) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0]  

How this relates to sexual boundary crossing is that when someone feels pressured to do something they don’t want to do, and they feel like they can’t say no or escape (for emotional reasons or fear as well as physical force), they bypass the fight/flight response that allows them to say “no” out loud, hold the boundary, or leave the situation, and they go immediately into freeze.

If this happens in a sexual encounter, it may be that the guy is happily engaging in intercourse with a woman who may have dissociated. She is experiencing a cognitive/emotional separation from her physical sensations as a means of “numbing out / playing dead” for protection. What sounds and looks like a silent, but consenting partner, is actually the woman saying no physically and psychologically when she can’t say no verbally.

Most men I know would be horrified to discover they had violated someone’s sexual boundaries in this way. Many men get angry and feel blamed when a woman tells them this has occurred. “She should have told me no!” I get it. It’s easier to blame the person who didn’t say no than to own the fact that you didn’t wait for a yes -- or that you made a mistake.

So, the simple answer is express your desire and wait for a yes. If the answer is no, back off a step from the current intimacy level or ask if what you’re doing right now is ok and proceed with caution IF it’s a yes. If the answer is maybe, back off. If the answer is “pause…...pause…..yes?” Back off. If you are met with silence or a no, stop.

If you are already engaging in sexual intimacy (and it could be as innocent as kissing or caressing) and your sexual partner looks glazed over, out of it, is not actively participating, or does not seem engaged physically (i.e. with eye contact, caressing you back), or verbally, she may have dissociated. If that is the case stop what you are doing immediately because you have already gone too far!

This is when you can go into “after care” mode. Ask if she wants to be touched or held, or if she wants some physical distance. Every woman is different, and it might change each time, so ask. Cover her with a blanket. Get her a glass of water. She might cry. That is ok. Take a deep breath and just be there with her. Wait until she is able to clearly articulate what is going on for her. She may not be able to for quite some time, or at all.

And here’s the part where -- as a therapist and feminist -- it gets tricky: someone who has a trauma reaction is responsible for their own healing, not you. At some point, they are responsible for healing their trauma triggers so they can say no and hold the boundary, including learning to recognize and avoid situations that are likely to be re-traumatizing. This is different from blaming the victim, which sounds like “you were asking to get raped by getting drunk and wearing that!” It is holding trauma survivors accountable for their own mental health and empowering survivors to care for themselves.

To clarify: it is my belief that someone should be able to be passed out naked on the floor and get help, not be raped. Sadly, this is not how the world always works. So it is a delicate balance for survivors of sexual trauma to say “I didn’t deserve this and I’m not responsible for it happening. The person who violated my boundaries is at fault.” And saying “I am not going to put myself in dangerous situations where I am likely to be hurt.” It is not realistic for survivors to ask the world -- including you -- to not do anything traumatizing, as what is traumatizing for one person is not for another. It is also essential to hold perpetrators of sexual violence accountable for their actions AND to educate men (well, everyone really) about how to respect personal/sexual boundaries.

You can take responsibility for your part. Consider your partner’s needs as well as your own, check your privilege, and if there’s doubt to their consent, stop. Improve your emotional intelligence and learn to pick up on body language that indicates a “NO” when your partner may have difficulty voicing a NO. Go slow, ask about boundaries, express desire and get permission before proceeding (i.e. “May I kiss you?” vs. after kissing her “Is it ok that I kissed you?). Before sex happens, clarify what she needs if she does start to dissociate during sex. A caring partner can be a valuable ally in the healing process.

This level of communication doubly applies with a hook up or new partner. Alcohol makes consent difficult; some would argue impossible. The safest policy is “don’t drink and have sex,” but that doesn’t work for everyone. Many people rely on alcohol as a social lubricant to lower social inhibitions or anxiety about having sex. (Again, that’s another issue!) So, if you’ve had a few drinks and are feeling frisky, you can ask her what she is and isn’t down to do before before you leave the party, and for sure before the clothes come off!! But, even if the clothes are off and she says no mid-thrust, if you don’t stop immediately (“wait a minute, I’m about to cum!), it’s a sexual boundary violation.

Most importantly: cultivate your own sense of worthiness to have love and sex in your life and empowerment to ask for sex and be ok if the answer is no. A good guiding principle for consent: Wait for an enthusiastic “YES!” A sexual romp is much more satisfying when both people are willing and eager participants.




*This article is written for an audience of heterosexual, cisgendered men whose personal identities grant them power and privilege in our society. In this paradigm, men are the actors and women acted upon Whatever your gender or sexual orientation, if you are in a position of power and privilege, please put yourself in the role of man for purposes of reading this article. It is my deepest hope and desire that all of us may be active participants in creating satisfying consensual sexual experiences.

We live in a fast-paced world. Between responsibilities at work, home, and social life, there is little time to take care of ourselves. If we don't pay attention, we might find our stress level going up and up until our body and mind rebel and go into shut down mode.

I teach a powerful tool to help address stress, anxiety, depression and a multitude of mental and physical health concerns: mindfulness. A formal mindfulness practice usually involves carving some time out of your day, sitting (or lying or moving) for a set period of time, and focusing on something in particular with a sense of curiosity, nonjudgment, acceptance, and compassion.

Confession time: I hate to meditate! I suck at it. I can't sit still that long -- though the more I practice the easier it becomes. I prefer to use what are called informal mindfulness practices: paying attention in the moment. Noticing what I'm doing, the state of my body and mind, and breathing.

I build informal mindfulness practices into my daily life so that I'm constantly monitoring and modulating my stress level. One of my favorites is to Ground, Breathe, and Proceed.

When I'm transitioning between tasks, rather than just start right in, I take a moment to pause and:

• Feel my feet firmly planted on the ground.
• Take a full body breath. Breathe in to engage the diaphragm muscle (which helps stimulate relaxation), check in with my stress level, and exhale fully releasing any tension.
• Proceed with a clear mind and a more relaxed body.

Here's a live demonstration of the technique:
​

Most people carry a lot of tension in their shoulders. Sometimes I find myself typing and my shoulders are up around my ears! (Yup, just happened.)

I'm all for making the most of my time, so I like to pair stretching with breathing to create mindful movement practices that relax my tense body and busy brain at the same time.

My favorite is doing head rolls that are synced to the in and out breath. I learned this one in a yoga class many, many years ago, and it's has been a tried and true relaxation and mental reset technique since then. 

​It's a bit difficult to explain how to do it, so I'd rather show you. Just check out the video below.

A note of caution, please be gentle or don't do this exercise if you have neck injuries. Listen to your body, go slow, and stop if you feel pain.

I started going to acupuncture many years ago at the behest of a friend who was, you guessed it, an acupuncturist. She spent an hour with me as I described my minor aches and pains that seemed irrelevant and not connected at all from a Western medical perspective. Much to my surprise, she told me they all fit together from a Chinese medicine perspective, and she designed a treatment of herbs and acupuncture that had me running in tip-top shape.

I noticed during many sessions that painful emotions would arise. As I lay on the table, needles sticking out of me and tears running down my cheeks, I wished there was someone in the room with me to talk through the emotions and thoughts I was experiencing; that the acupuncture helped me access.

Our physical and psychological traumas are stored in the whole body, not just the brain, and acupuncture is a powerful tool to help access and release them. But this can be a scary process to undergo alone, which is why it is helpful to talk it through with a mental health professional. I love the idea underlying Chinese medicine -- to create harmony in the body so it can heal itself. This is very much in line with my approach to therapy, in particular my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to heal trauma. I have found that many people with psychological trauma often manifest symptoms of physical pain. Some have even been diagnosed by Western medical doctors at having psychosomatic pain or conditions -- there is no known medical cause, so the origin is likely psychological.

While I am able to work with somatic issues using talk therapy, many of the physical treatments I know would be helpful to my clients are out of my scope of practice. This is where Shaun Menache, LAc, MTOM, of Golden Mean Acupuncture comes in. When we met, and started talking about our healing work, Shaun expressed a similar frustration: that his clients often wanted to talk through their emotional experiences with him, but it is outside his scope of practice to provide talk therapy. With this shared perspective, we immediately saw the value and potential benefit of combining psychotherapy and acupuncture to provide our clients with maximum emotional and physical healing and relief. 

So we decided to join forces to provide co-therapy: Shaun working on the body and me working on the psychological aspects. We are calling what we do Mind-Body Integration Therapy, but are still looking for a good, descriptive name. (I jokingly call it "psycho-puncture," but that's just my bad humor.)

Shaun and I work with people who present with both physical and psychological concerns. Using our unique Mind-Body Integration technique, we work on clients simultaneously. We consult with the client and each other on the specific physical and emotional concerns present and develop a complementary treatment plan. After Shaun applies the acupuncture needles, I stay in the room with the client to address the memories, emotions, and negative beliefs that arise so they may be integrated with the physical experience. Then the three of us reconvene to debrief and discuss future treatment options.

Right now we are providing Mind-Body Integration therapy at Shaun's office in Silver Lake every other Saturday by appointment. If you are interested in this experimental treatment method, please feel free to speak with me or Shaun to see if it may benefit you.

www.thegoldenmeanla.com
www.drsandypeace.com

Every Monday night I lead a 90-minute mindfulness group from 8:00-9:30 PM. Starting May 2, 2016 we are beginning a 14-week dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) series. DBT is a highly effective offshoot of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that integrates somatic and emotional components.  DBT teaches clients four types of behavioral skills, including: mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation.  Learning these skills helps reduce levels of stress and anxiety, improve brain processing, sleep patterns, emotional regulation, and self-awareness.  It can even decrease the impact of depression and support weight loss goals.  

By providing practical tools in this safe, small group environment, you are able to feel at ease and equipped to take steps of progress wherever you are at on your journey.  Everyone is encouraged to participate for the entirety of the series, though even if  you can come for just one week to experience mindfulness and DBT you will get a useful tool, concept, or experience that you will benefit from.  This is an experiential group, so individuals do not share personal experiences, but rather participate in conversations and practices surrounding each topic.  

The skills in the group are referenced in Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training Manual. This is an invaluable resource and reference guide for learning and practicing DBT skills. I've had many clients flip to the index of the book when they are in freak-out mode to find a skill to help them effectively navigate it. There is a link to purchase the book on my website: http://www.drsandypeace.com/shop.html​
​or you can pick it up at most bookstores.

I want to wholeheartedly extend the invitation to you to join us for the Monday Mindfulness Group DBT series, starting this week and running for the next 14 weeks. Please call my office at 323-432-0676 to reserve your space, and plan to be at the US Bank Tower 26th Floor Conference Room at 633 West 5th Street, Los Angeles, CA. 90017 from 8:00-9:30 PM this Monday night.  

I look forward to meeting you there and sharing a magical, mindful experience together.

After many months in construction, the remodel of the 26th floor of the US Bank tower is complete and I'm settled into my new office. Yay! It's the mirror image of my first office, but nestled into a quiet corner. I have a lovely southern view and see airplanes banking as they prepare for their final descent to LAX. There is a beautiful new reception and kitchen area for my guests to enjoy, and a big new boardroom for therapy groups. I've very excited!

Most people hate to move. In fact, moving is one of the top stressors for people. A secret about me -- I love to move. Moving gives me a chance to clear out unneeded items, clean and organize the new space, and have a different perspective. It feels like a fresh start and a chance to keep growing and changing.

I'm looking forward to sharing my space with you. Thank you to all my brave, open, and willing clients who come each week ready to grow and change! I'm looking forward to settling in and doing some transformative work together.

It's the end of a busy day or week and you're looking forward to relaxing. But there's grocery shopping and laundry and social events and kids and...sometimes it seems there is never enough time to just sit down and relax. What if there was a way to be rejuvenated by daily chores rather than feeling drained or resentful of the obligation? There is: mindfulness.

Very simply, mindfulness is paying attention to what's happening in the here and now. So often we think about the past or project ourselves ahead into the future as we go about our daily lives. While there is nothing inherently unhealthy about past or future thinking, when we zone out from what we are doing to engage in this thinking, we miss out on the present of presence.

I remember my first experience seeing mindfulness in action. It was watching my college professor of Buddhism preparing a meal for some students. He held a beautiful, pure white ceramic knife and was chopping vegetables. He giggled saying: "Be one with the carrot." I watched him - in a relaxed yet focused and precise way - quickly and neatly chop the carrot into thin slices. Something clicked in me watching him "become one with the carrot." It was my first taste of mindfulness.

Since then, I have developed a practice of "doing meditation." It is simply doing things with 100 percent attention to the present moment. 

Hand washing dishes is one of my favorites. I would wager that many people don't like doing dishes and try to get it over with as soon as possible, hastily scraping off food and throwing them in the dishwasher without even looking. (Guilty!) But slowing down, paying attention to what is happening right now, helps calm your mind and body and puts you in "the flow."

How do you do it? It's easier demonstrated in real-time than described (as are all mindfulness practices I've discovered), but let's walk through the steps.

1. Set the intention. Before your start, find the part within you that loves to do dishes. Loves to feel the warm water on your hands. Loves to have sparkling clean dishes to use. Loves how the act of doing dishes quiets your mind. Loves that you can slow down for a minute AND still get things done.

2. Go slow. Pay attention using all your senses as you turn on the water, wait for it to become the right temperature, soap the sponge, and select a dish. Feel the sensation of the warmth of the water heat up the inside of your hands. Feel the texture of the dish with your skin. See it with your eyes. Hear the sounds. Smell the soap. Notice the thoughts going through your mind and refocus to the sensations of the task at hand if it starts to get stuck on a thought. Notice your breathing.

3. Become one with the dishes. Track your movements with your eyes and thoughts without getting ahead of yourself. See and feel the part of the dish you are watching and methodically wipe the entire surface - not moving ahead or rushing. Put care into each movement. Feel that all the soap has been rinsed completely off. Watch as you put the dish into the rack. (How often have we started to put the dish into the rack then turned our head to look for the next dish while we're actually setting the dish down?) Say to yourself what it is you are doing at that moment: "Now I am washing the surface of the dish. Now I am putting the sponge down. Now I am rinsing the dish." Pause briefly between transitioning actions.


4. Notice how you feel. When you are done, shut off the water and just stand with your eyes closed. Scan your body from head to toe. Notice the internal sensations. Notice the sounds inside your body and the room. Feel the temperature of the air on your skin. Your clothes on you body. Your body standing in space. Notice your breathing and take a few deep breaths engaging the muscles of your diaphragm. Open your eyes and slowly take in your surroundings. Do a 360 degree scan of the room noting colors, shapes, objects. Notice the thoughts in your mind and your self-talk.


5. Practice acceptance. Perhaps your mind and body are more quiet and calm. Perhaps they are jittery and anxious with all the other things yet to be accomplished. Whatever it is your are experiencing, accept that it is your experience in this moment. It's not good or bad. It just is.

I use the word "practice" because it takes practice to build the skill of mindfulness. It is something you can cultivate over time and integrate into every moment of the day. To start, just pick one daily activity that you love, and try doing it slowly and with intention and care. You may find that over time, a new sense of peace and joy starts to replace the feelings of rushed anxiousness that often accompanies daily chores.

As I alluded to earlier, mindfulness is best learned by experiencing it rather than reading about it. I integrate mindfulness practices into my therapy work to help give my clients a place to practice new ways of approaching life that feel replenishing. There are many resources for mindfulness practices - from audio recordings to meditation groups to psychotherapy...to doing dishes! 

It's December! The nights are longer, the weather colder, and holiday gatherings sprinkle our calendars. What a busy and stressful month December can be. Often our usual schedules are disrupted by school being out, holiday preparations, vacations from work, travel, or businesses we rely on being closed.

When things get busy, it's often our self-care that gets put lower on the to-do list. Sleep, eating, exercise, and rejuvenation take the back seat to extra errands, travel planning, kids home from school, or parties to attend. Ironically, the very things we let slide are the things that will help us though busy times the most. 

Here are some easy tips for taking care of yourself when life gets hectic:

- Listen to your body's need for sleep. Nothing throws our day off more than not getting enough rest. Erratic sleep and wake schedules leave us feeling like we're in constant jet lag - because essentially we are! If you usually go to bed at 11:00 PM and you stay up until 2:00, it's like flying from L.A. to N.Y.! Do your best to go to bed and get up at the same time each day. Rather than trying to power through a difficult task when tired, do tasks low in mental demand at that time or go to bed. You work more efficiently when alert, so save cognitively demanding tasks for high energy times. Work smarter, not longer.

- Eat Breakfast. It's tempting to sleep an extra 15 minutes, grab our coffee, and run out the door when things get busy. If you have to do that, stock your bag with nuts, dried fruit, or low sugar protein bars. Or, dig deep and find the discipline to get up on time and take that 15 minutes to eat a satisfying breakfast.

- Just say NO (Ho Ho)! With all the extra activity and events, it's easy to become over booked. If you are an automatic "Yes" person when asked to take on a task or accept an invitation, practice saying "Let me check my schedule and get back to you." Give yourself some time to really assess if you can do it. If the answer is no, say no. Nothing builds resentment and sucks our faster than saying yes to something we don't really want to do. 

- Take an exercise break. You don't have to spend an hour in the gym to get exercise. Getting your heart rate up for 10 minutes, three times a day also does the trick. Try taking exercise breaks throughout the day. Studies show that our attention span is about 50 minutes long. Rather than power though our day and feel worn out at the end, take an exercise break every 50 minutes to help you maintain your energy levels. If you work sitting down, take a brisk walk, do some stretches, do sit-ups and pushups, or crank up the music and dance. (Enrolling family members or co-workers has the added benefit of laughter!) If you stand to work, sit down, stretch, or elevate your feet.

- Do double duty on self care. Combine activities that bring you joy and nurture your body. Exercise or share a meal with a friend or loved one. Practice mindfulness when doing necessary household chores. Listen to an audio book during your commute or read if you take public transit. Make sure it's a pleasure read and not things that might stress you out (like work-related articles or news)!

- Give and receive hugs. For most people, physical touch has a relaxing effect. Give hugs freely throughout the day to those who are opening to receiving. Trade foot, shoulder, and head massages with friends or partners. Make time for sex. The benefits of physical touch greatly outweigh the time you would have spent crossing "one more thing" off the to-do list.

-  Lower your expectations. Having standards of excellence is commendable. Expecting excellence or perfection in all things is detrimental. Practice the "plenty good enough" principle when time is limited. Most often, a task that is done adequately is just as good and less draining than a task you are putting off or spending copious amounts of time on to make perfect.

- Celebrate your accomplishments. We are often disappointed when all of the things on our to-do list didn't get done. Try taking a moment to reflect on your day and to celebrate everything you did get accomplished. Give yourself permission to reschedule needed tasks that didn't get done, and delete optional tasks from the list. Hold on to the internal sense of satisfaction that you can make a choice to complete, delegate, or delete tasks.

- Make self care a priority. If we don't care for ourselves, we can't care for anyone else. In a culture that deems it "selfish" to make our physical, spiritual, and mental health needs a priority over caring for others, it can be difficult to take the time for self-care. Yet, you are the only one who can eat, sleep, exercise, and rejuvenate yourself. Put your care at the top of the priority list for a week and notice how much more you have to give to others.

Therapy can be a great way to regain balance in stressful times. If you find yourself wanting to make some of these changes, but are finding it difficult to do so, consulting a mental health professional may help. Give me a call! I'm here for you.

Happy Holidays,
Dr. Sandy Peace