Beautiful Human, what do you need right now?
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, check in with your body, and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
“What do you want?”
So many of us were not asked these questions growing up. We just did what others told us or received what others offered. Some of us were lucky and had caregivers who asked us our preferences, gave us (age-appropriate) choices, and we have a good sense of what we need and want.
Knowing what you want and asking for it is a key relational skill, as is holding space for a partner who is having a difficult emotional time and helping them through it.
You may have heard of the 3 H’s of Relational Support, but as a sex therapist, I’ve got a couple more to add to the list...
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, check in with your body, and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
“What do you want?”
So many of us were not asked these questions growing up. We just did what others told us or received what others offered. Some of us were lucky and had caregivers who asked us our preferences, gave us (age-appropriate) choices, and we have a good sense of what we need and want.
Knowing what you want and asking for it is a key relational skill, as is holding space for a partner who is having a difficult emotional time and helping them through it.
You may have heard of the 3 H’s of Relational Support, but as a sex therapist, I’ve got a couple more to add to the list...
The Three H’s
Plus Dr. Peace’s Two Additions
Hear: Do you want me to hear you? Do you just want some space to vent? Let off some steam, get some validation, and move on. Sometimes the presence of a caring other is enough.
Help: Do you want my help? Is there something that needs to be done? Some logistics that need to be figured out? An actionable item you’re feeling too overwhelmed to do in this moment that would be great to give to someone else? I got you, Boo! Tell me what it is, and I’ll take care of it.
Hug: Do you want a hug? Sometimes not talking and just being held is the quickest way through our emotions. Go ahead: wrap your arms around each other, press your bodies close, take some deep breaths and relax into each other for 30 seconds (or more) and marvel at the shift.
AND to keep it lighthearted and sexy:
Humor: Do you want me to make you laugh? Some well-timed humor can help jolt the mind out of a worry cycle and get back into the present moment. Laughter can help us get out of our mind and into our body, giving us those deep breaths and diaphragm movement we need to regulate. Plus it’s fun. Crying and laughing at the same time is my favorite emotional expression.
Hump: Do you wanna hump? Having sex can be a great way to release stress. It lowers cortisol, releases the feel-good endorphins dopamine and serotonin, and the “love hormones” oxytocin and vasopressin, and it increases blood flow. When done in the right context, it can shift our mood fast. Plus we get the bonus of feeling relaxed and connected with our partner, which is satisfying on so many levels.
While these 5 H’s are effective, they can also be areas of pain for individuals and partners.
If any of these 5 H’s is difficult for you, therapy can help.
My mission on earth is to help people live authentic, fulfilling lives, so if you’re struggling in any of these areas, please reach out!
Help: Do you want my help? Is there something that needs to be done? Some logistics that need to be figured out? An actionable item you’re feeling too overwhelmed to do in this moment that would be great to give to someone else? I got you, Boo! Tell me what it is, and I’ll take care of it.
Hug: Do you want a hug? Sometimes not talking and just being held is the quickest way through our emotions. Go ahead: wrap your arms around each other, press your bodies close, take some deep breaths and relax into each other for 30 seconds (or more) and marvel at the shift.
AND to keep it lighthearted and sexy:
Humor: Do you want me to make you laugh? Some well-timed humor can help jolt the mind out of a worry cycle and get back into the present moment. Laughter can help us get out of our mind and into our body, giving us those deep breaths and diaphragm movement we need to regulate. Plus it’s fun. Crying and laughing at the same time is my favorite emotional expression.
Hump: Do you wanna hump? Having sex can be a great way to release stress. It lowers cortisol, releases the feel-good endorphins dopamine and serotonin, and the “love hormones” oxytocin and vasopressin, and it increases blood flow. When done in the right context, it can shift our mood fast. Plus we get the bonus of feeling relaxed and connected with our partner, which is satisfying on so many levels.
While these 5 H’s are effective, they can also be areas of pain for individuals and partners.
If any of these 5 H’s is difficult for you, therapy can help.
My mission on earth is to help people live authentic, fulfilling lives, so if you’re struggling in any of these areas, please reach out!
Before You Try to Fix It... Ask the 5 H’s
When someone you love is struggling or overwhelmed, our default reaction is often to start fixing, advising, or guessing.
Instead of assuming what your partner needs, Beautiful Human, use this quick somatic check-in to swap mind-reading for real connection.
Instead of assuming what your partner needs, Beautiful Human, use this quick somatic check-in to swap mind-reading for real connection.
I am right here walking this journey with you every step of the way.
Go easy on yourself. Take a deep breath.
And if you don’t know what you want, ask the 5H’s as a starting point.
Be well,
Dr. Sandy Peace
Go easy on yourself. Take a deep breath.
And if you don’t know what you want, ask the 5H’s as a starting point.
Be well,
Dr. Sandy Peace
Have a Question?
Ask Dr. Peace!
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