Beautiful human, today I’m going to get right to the point.
The number one killer of love and relationships is resentment. And what is the cause of resentment? The people in our lives letting us down, not meeting our needs, or seemingly not caring about our desires.
When this happens, our mind comes up with the story that “they don’t know me” or “they don’t care about me” or “they are being mean or selfish.”
But if we trace the chain of events back one more step, we’re left with the real origins of resentment: Our own unacknowledged and unspoken expectations of others.
When we are unaware of our own needs and desires, or are unable to speak them out loud to others, we are guaranteed to be let down.
It’s easy to make the cognitive error of reverse mind reading: thinking that because someone knows us or loves us, they can read our mind and know what we need, and that they will give it to us.
When this inevitably doesn’t happen — because people can not read minds! — we make the next cognitive error of jumping to conclusions: “If they knew me and loved me, they would just know what I need and do, so if they don’t...” fill in the blank with your go-to negative belief about yourself and others.
Maybe it’s “I’m not worthy of love” or “They’re selfish” or “I can never get what I want.”
The number one killer of love and relationships is resentment. And what is the cause of resentment? The people in our lives letting us down, not meeting our needs, or seemingly not caring about our desires.
When this happens, our mind comes up with the story that “they don’t know me” or “they don’t care about me” or “they are being mean or selfish.”
But if we trace the chain of events back one more step, we’re left with the real origins of resentment: Our own unacknowledged and unspoken expectations of others.
When we are unaware of our own needs and desires, or are unable to speak them out loud to others, we are guaranteed to be let down.
It’s easy to make the cognitive error of reverse mind reading: thinking that because someone knows us or loves us, they can read our mind and know what we need, and that they will give it to us.
When this inevitably doesn’t happen — because people can not read minds! — we make the next cognitive error of jumping to conclusions: “If they knew me and loved me, they would just know what I need and do, so if they don’t...” fill in the blank with your go-to negative belief about yourself and others.
Maybe it’s “I’m not worthy of love” or “They’re selfish” or “I can never get what I want.”
So what’s the fix? Take charge of your life and acknowledge your own needs and desires, share them with a partner, and ask for what you want.
Here’s what it looks like...
You’re at home from work after a rough day. You’re feeling defeated and lonely and could really use a hug. Rather than waiting for your partner to notice, or a friend to call and ask how you are, tell someone! “Honey, I had such a rough day at work, and I’m feeling really defeated and lonely. Can you give me a hug?”
Now the people in your life know what you’re feeling and what it would take to help you feel better, which helps them feel confident that what they are doing will be supportive to you. It’s a win-win!
But here’s the rough part: they might not be able to do it right then. Your partner might have their hands full with dirty diapers, a work call, or be immersed in a video game. Their not saying yes right then might feel like a rejection, which can turn into resentment.
This is the next part that’s in your control: be patient and don’t take it personally. Chances are good they will want to support you when they have the capacity to give. But sometimes they legitimately can’t give you what you need or want, which is a more complex situation I help couples navigate all the time.
So the next time you’re feeling disappointment or resentment creep up, remember there is something you can do about it: identify and share what you’re feeling and ask for what you need or want. The people in your life will thank you for it, and you’re more likely to feel satisfied.
You’re at home from work after a rough day. You’re feeling defeated and lonely and could really use a hug. Rather than waiting for your partner to notice, or a friend to call and ask how you are, tell someone! “Honey, I had such a rough day at work, and I’m feeling really defeated and lonely. Can you give me a hug?”
Now the people in your life know what you’re feeling and what it would take to help you feel better, which helps them feel confident that what they are doing will be supportive to you. It’s a win-win!
But here’s the rough part: they might not be able to do it right then. Your partner might have their hands full with dirty diapers, a work call, or be immersed in a video game. Their not saying yes right then might feel like a rejection, which can turn into resentment.
This is the next part that’s in your control: be patient and don’t take it personally. Chances are good they will want to support you when they have the capacity to give. But sometimes they legitimately can’t give you what you need or want, which is a more complex situation I help couples navigate all the time.
So the next time you’re feeling disappointment or resentment creep up, remember there is something you can do about it: identify and share what you’re feeling and ask for what you need or want. The people in your life will thank you for it, and you’re more likely to feel satisfied.
From Flare-Up to Grounded
When an unspoken expectation is not met, our nervous system immediately interprets it as a threat or a rejection. We enter a "fight-or-flight" state, and suddenly a simple conversation about whose turn it is to do the dishes sounds like an explosive attack.
The next time this happens, try out this 15-second reset to shift your body out of defensive reactivity and into a grounded, open state of compassion.
The next time this happens, try out this 15-second reset to shift your body out of defensive reactivity and into a grounded, open state of compassion.
I am right here walking this journey with you, beautiful human, every step of the way. Go easy on yourself today, take a breath, and communicate what you want!
Be well,
Dr. Sandy
Be well,
Dr. Sandy
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